Song Of The Day: Across This Antheap / XTC
Word Of The Day: Undigenous / Created or generated by water

Oh, you gurhlz. What can I tell you? Sometimes I go on a bender. Love hurts. Yesterday's blog came from a very hot place inside me, and while I do not shrink or apologize, nor qualify what I said, I want you to know my heart is bigger than that. Yesterday, literally as soon as I got done writing that tirade, that flaming diatribe, I went inside the house and my wife told me that my mom had just called. She was letting us know that my dad, who has cancer and is in the midst of his third round of chemotherapy, has contracted pneumonia. Not good. And my mom had fallen and broken both of the major bones in her arm. And the fire in my belly softened, and melted, and I was put back into my place. Not that I don't stand behind what I said, but I also don't really believe it. I don't believe the beliefs, even my own. But I know what I experience, I know what it feels like in my belly and my chest to love someone completely, like my mom and dad, and know they are hurting, and going through very rough times. I wish I could take away my dad's pain, and my mom's pain.

My mom and dad are christians. The fundamentalist kind. They adhere to the fundamentals of the faith. And they do indeed live in integrity, meaning there is a perfect correspondance between what they believe and how they live. And they gave me the absolutely perfect childhood, they've always loved me completely unconditionally, and as you witnessed yesterday, that is not always easy. I forget sometimes how monumental, how incredibly expansive and unconditional their love must be, and I forget what it's like to inhabit those other World views -permanently. Of course we can all crawl inside of them. I do identify with all the levels of myself, including the fundmentalist, but I forget what it's like to live in that village forever. My wife reminded me yesterday that everything's perfect, and part of that perfection is our striving to improve and discover new facets of its magnificent, painful puzzle. My mom and dad are fantastic human beings, they have done nothing but try their hardest since I was born to insure I got all the love, safety, and support I could ever need. I owe them my life. Their deep conviction in their faith is something I deeply admire, truly respect, the way they live in accordance with the principles of their religious convictions is something I want to achieve in my life as well. And that's all I'm trying to do. Be present and authentic to ALL the parts of me, not just the ones that are palatable to everyone else, not just the ones that make me or you comfortable, not just the ones that are socially or culturally acceptable. I am ALL the selves. I am ALL aspects of humanity. Not because I think that's romantic, or fun, or interesting, but because truly, in the deepest expanse of our native endowment, that is simply the WAY IT IS, in our experience. And that brings us to an interesting question.

What's funny here is not that I care about the stuff I wrote about in yesterday's blog, but WHY I have such a furious reaction to it. Obviously, there is some shadow action in there. And that is what I GET today, and what is so funny, I have such a furious reaction to Mythic Fundamentalist Imperialist Religion, because I AM a mythic fundamentalist imperialist. I mean, let's face it. I ascribe a whole lot of qualities to the Mystery, I perceive this Kosmic Theater of What IS going on, and I think there's some implicit injunction to it all : Wake Up. Awakened Awareness. And I disown the part of me that so feverishly thinks it's RIGHT, not only that it's right, but that it's Absolutely RIGHT. I am a total fucking fundamentalist, a humorless tight-assed fucking Deity freak with such intense opinions and such a volcanic personality, and I don't want to own that. So I suppress it, bury it, hide it, marginalize it, and it is then forced to come out me in weird, fucked up ways (yesterday's blog, yo'). So let me just state for the record:

I am a fundamentalist. I am a mythic fundamentalist imperialist religious zealot.

There you have it. That's part of what I am. I can't disown that part. I can't dissociate from that part of my Heart. Knowing it's ME, how do I work with it? How can I include and engage that part of me in a useful way?

Yesterday at dinner, I told my daughter I am the Pope Of Ego. She laughed, pointed at me and said "Pope Of Ego!"

I laughed and laughed.