Blog entry

I Swear To Katie Holms

Song Of The Day: Dying / XTC
Word Of The Day: Yare / Nimble, brisk; ready.

You guhrlz. I am SO sore. I've started lifting weights again. I tried quitting ya'll, cuz it's hard. But I've settled again on the ole yoga / weightlifting oscillation. yoga one day, weights the next. well, the first three weightlifting sessions have left me SO FUCKING SORE I CAN'T MOAN. Oh my Godless Body. I feel like I went to cellular prison and was micro-raped in every minute subdivision of my corpus. Pride alone kept me from puking, fainting, weeping, but not shaking. Oh, I shook. I had to steady myself agains the God damn wall in the club like six times. I couldn't hold my own protein drink when the exercise was over. I was attended by the club's candy striper, kind enough to lift the fruity blend to my quivering lips, nursing me ever ... so ... slowly back to a strength sufficient for operating my motor vehicle safely. I still urinated all over the floor of my Honda once inside. Trembling tendons, helpless to check the yellow deluge. Shame, and finally surrender to the warm taboo.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. Allow me to begin by saying, I'm not here to judge. Who am I to judge? I'm not. If I were to judge, I'd say I'm pretty fucking awesome, but I'm not, so I won't. But the star people of Origen 5 have interceded again, imploring me to address a few minor features in our Lower Quadrants. Do you mind? You may decline, but you will, of course be abducted and forced to lift weights on Suptoolafore, home planet of the people of Origen 5. The gravity there is punishing, ten pounds becomes twenty, and so on. So, endure a few more moments here, in the gentle, forgiving gravity of Earth, and allow the Origen 5ers to do their thing.

THEY want you to know that:

Eager is a word that means: Having or showing keen interest, intense desire, or impatient expectancy.

Anxious is a word that means: Uneasy and apprehensive about an uncertain event or matter; worried. Attended with, showing, or causing anxiety. (Spent an anxious night waiting for the test results)

If you say "I'm eager to see you" it means can't wait to see you.

If you tell someone, "I'm anxious to see you" it means I'm experiencing anxiety at the thought of being with you. I'm going to vomit when I see you. You're the Devil.

Eager=wish you were here.
Anxious=wish you were dead.

They're different. Very different. Use "eager" to convey expectant anticipation. Use "anxious" to indicate unease, apprehension, worry, and ANXIETY. Wonder why the word anxious and the word anxiety are oh so close in spellling? That's because they're variants of a common principal. The bellicose, reactive citizens of Suptoolafore wanted you to know that if you keep FUXXING using them interchangeably, as synonyms, they'll thread your nipples with rusty needles.

Who am I to judge? I haven't known what day it is since I turned 18. I once shoved a sapling in my ass and fingered a hole in the ground.

They asked me to further enumerate their grievances against -their words- the stupid fucking morons who make sausage of syntax and semantics. So, they also wanted to mention these distincitons:

Jealous: Threatened, fearful, or wary of being SUPPLANTED; apprehensive of LOSING affection or position. If you're jealous, you're resentful or bitter in rivalry; jealous of the success of others. Inclined to suspect rivalry. A jealous person is intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity. They are territorial, protective of a certain status.

Contrast that with:

Envy: A COVETOUS feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors.

The main difference here, if I may, is

Jealousy involves fear of LOSING something. You have it, you don't want to lose it.

Envy involves desire to GAIN, acquire, or attain something. You don't have it, but you want it.

Once we remember that, it's nothing at all to recall:

"I could care less" means I CARE. IT MATTERS TO ME. THIS COUNTS. IT BEARS IMPORTANCE TO ME. I GIVE A FUCKING SHIT.

"I could NOT care less" means, just like it says, I COULD NOT CARE LESS. I DO NOT CARE. IT BEARS NO SIGNIFICANCE TO ME AT ALL. THERE IS NO WAY MY CONCERN COULD DIMINISH.

Special aside to professional atheletes: GET IT FUCKING STRAIGHT. They're opposites. Now, I could not care less which one you use, as long as you say what you mean. The Origen 5ers COULD CARE LESS. Those high-strung fuckers are sick of this shit.

One more, then we're done for today.

The word is "regardless". Only child molestors and standing U.S. Presidents use IRregardless. See, the word -regard- is already modified by the suffix "less." Only Satan on Sunday would put "IR" in front of REGARDLESS. Yeah, you can find that piece of fucking shit word in the dictionary, there are almost a million words in English, and thousands of them will lower your I.Q. If you really want to sound that stupid and demean an elegant tongue, just take the short cut and become a meth head, you fucking spiritual colostomy bag.

Say IRregardless again, and I swear to Katie Holms I will set the microwave on "1" and cook a litter of kittens in a motion so slow even Hell will scream "NO."

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