Spent last night scrambling to put together the video episode for this weeks integralnaked.org stu-cam installment. everything i looked at with me in it made me want to puke. i was like "someone get this guy to shut up" and 'oh, i've only seen him do THIS four times before...". then my wife told me: "honey, you are so reactive. you're just upset because you don't have anything and it's deadline time..." and i was tacit, because is SO right. i have become one reactive son of a bitch. and why? i didn't used to be so reactive, i used to be like one of those little carved statues of a mermaid mounted on the bow of a ship, which stretches forward headlong and unwavering through whatever waves may come. but now it's like my mermaid has attention-deficit-disorder, and every two seconds she goes "OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT??!! I THINK I SAW A ROCK, TELL THE CAPTAIN TO CHAAANGE COURSE!!! OH SHIT, A BIG WAVE, TELL THE CAPTAIN TO CHANGE COURSE!! SHIT THERE'S DOLPHINS SWIMMING ALONGSIDE THE BOAT, WHAT ARE THEY SAYING IN THEIR SQUEEKY CLICKS AND POPS? THAT WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE??! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" i think my awakened awareness has dropped from 75% stable and present to about 20%, and i understand why, but now i have to die again. before, back in the 75% days, i did not have a record label, a wife, baby, mortgage, yadda yadda. now there is ten times as much to attend to in the World, and being so much more in the World has my witness punch drunk. i've continued meditating an hour a day the whole time, but it's not sufficient. i have to return to constant practice, witnessing through all waking and dreaming states, and stop thinking meditation is something i do on the cushion an hour a day.

if it has a beginning or an end, it's JUST phenomena. i used to remember that and live from it in my heart of hearts, not just hold it like the cognitive ornament it's been to me lately. phenomena is transparent, that's not some fanciful spiritualism, but the immediate reality available to me, right now, this moment, and this one. how much of what my head is calling "experience" is actually my INTERPRETATION of events? virtually all of it. here's how the false self hijacks Reality and compresses it into reality.
1, something happens. it is impersonal, empty, just a happening, that's all
2, the false self names it good or bad, postive or negative, etc. the false self does this almost instantaneously in order to "locate" itself, to continually, in each nano-second, a million times over, prove and assert its own existence (which, does not actually exist. the real Self is without location, the false self spends every instance locating itself, and it does this by hijacking each event, each "happening" or occurance and designating / qualifying it as something,
3, the false self extends this interpretation of experience (something happened, something BAD happened) and personalizes it (something BAD happened to ME) and having thereby established seperation and duality, it continues to endure.

don't get me wrong, there is differentiation in the Kosmos, invisible and visible differentiation, but those parts are always enmeshed, enfolded, and inextricably woven into greater Wholes, it's infinite holarchy of association-all the selves are aspects of Self. but the false self only exists through dissociation, through opposition in a me / not me binary game that loops endlessly into the insanity of what is suffering. another way to move through experiences is to allow experiences to move through, like:

1, something is happening.
2, it's painful.

and that's it. or, if the small self must freak out, then,

1, something happend.
2, it's painful
3, the small self is reacting to it.

but the witness just witnesses, it has no interpretation, no judgement. it doesn't judge the judging self, it doesn't praise the acheiving self, deny the dissociating self. word to our formless mother...