Blog entry

what does Stuart want for Christmas? he FINALLY responds...

song of the day: falling in love / randy newman
word of the day: Zythum / A drink made in ancient times from fermented malt, esp. in Egypt (this is the last word in the Oxford Enlgish Dictionary, isn't that SCARY?? there are no more words after this word, don't you get it? it's the end of the Word as we know it {and i feel fine...}

i'm still getting up at 4am. my tour of holland has really fucked with my clock, and now i am waking up at 3 or 4am every day, doiing my sitting, then drink coffee, blog, then work on stuff (music, video, whatevuh), then at like 6PM at night i start going *Yawn*...ahhhh i'm sleeeepy. i seriously have been ASLEEP each night by 8pm. i'm a FREAK. how can you love me? AHHHH!! look away, look away!!

i get a lot email from blogging, doing shows, etc, and if there is one thing that people ask me most often, it's surely this: What Can I Get You For Christmas? at first i go
"oh, thank you for asking, but really, nothing, it's just not necessary"
then they write back
"NO, I INSIST, WHAT CAN I GET YOU FOR X-MAS??"
and i go
"well, listen, nothing too expensive, cuz..."
and then they SCREAM,
"MONEY IS NO OBJECT, COST IS NO CONCERN, ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL YOU WISH, WE WILL BUY IT, WE WILL MAKE IT SOOOOOOO!!!!"
then, i pause. i think deeply.

and so now, i am ready to answer publicly to the THOUSANDS of requests i get every year, the mountain of email and phone calls beseeching me to make known: What Do I Want For Christmas?

you're guessing, aren't you? right now you're thinking
"it's going to be a pope-mobile, he wants a pope-mobile"
nope.
"a dumpster of pretzels?" someone else offers up...
WRONG.
"is it gum? does Stuart want gum?"
EHH. NOT.
someone else, excitedly: "oh, oh, OH! it's...a HELMET."
i have a helmet, thanks.
"monkey?" someone in the back asks timidly, "Stuart wants a monkey?"
closer. you are warmer.
"a slave! Stu wants a slave!"
good, good, but think less...HUMAN (wink-wink)
"err...uhh...."
engineers? can the engineers venture a guess?
(puzzled, frustrated looks...)
think FUTURE-ISTIC, people!
"OHHH!! OOHHH! you want a ROBOT! stuart wants a ROBOT for Christmas!

yes, i do indeed. i want a ROBOT. and YOU are going to buy it for me, faithful reader. first, i want to thank you for asking over and over, for your patience, your perserverence, and your deeply sincere desire to fullfill my wish, whatever it may be, for christmas this year. and you have NAILED it this time: i want a ROBOT.

with due respect to you, my benefactors, allow to make a few things perfectly clear. i do not want some piece of shit robot. don't go buy me one of those cheesy robotic dogs from japan that yip and yip and flip over. in fact, you can rule out anything with batteries, cuz REAL robots are not powered by f#@!ing batteries, so get your mind out of 1970. i'm not talking about the Jetson's maladroit amalgam metal coffee-can-esque household servant chick, and DON'T give me the knee-jerk "oh you want C3PO, or R2D2". any 10 year old can think of that. i want a BIO-bot. i want a living, breathing ENTITY that is not HUMAN. i want it to merge seemlessly with my iMac, my powerbook laptop, and all future innovations in Apple technology, i want this robot, MY robot, to look EXACTLY like i want it to look. i do not want anyone, not even its INVENTORS to know it's not human, unless you peel back it's delicate, soft skin to see the brilliant circuitry. this thing has got to be BEAUTIFUL beyond belief.

this is my robot. a gift like no other.

what, no, WHO, who should my robot look like? that's easy, you retard.

i want it to look like the hottest f#$%ing chick that ever lived. i want this soft, warm, BIO-BOT to be the modeled on the perfect human specimen. what is that exemplar, you, the PURCHASER now want to know. fair enough. i know where you're going, your mind is searching through the Marilyn Monroes, through the Julie Christies, through the Queen Ranias of the World, but nay, none of these, my friend. in fact, i want this HOTTIE-BOT to look exactly, identically like my very own WIFE. why? WHYYYYYYY when a man could have any woman, when his HOT BOT could be be the perfected fantasy of any woman, why then, his own wife??

simple. my wife is f###ing hot. and i have always wanted to get into a three-some with her. but... not with another woman, and not with another man. yeah, EXACTLY. you see my F%[email protected] problem. how can i have a three -some with me, my wife, but no other woman or men? until now, i couldn't. but you have been so persistent, so resolved to use your unlimited funds to manifest my wish, that now the day has arrived.

on december 25th, when the Davis family looks under the christmas tree, i'll act surprised for the camera, but i know what we're gonna see: my wife. the identical, perfect duplicate of my wife. and i want the "on" button to be activated by me blowing into her ear. and then, me, my wife, and my HOT-wife-BOT are going to say goodbye to ya'll for a good year or so, while we work out all the possible permutations of bot/man/wife.

it's not polygamy if it's a bot.

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