Blog entry

the song of falling apart

Song Of The Day: Bach's Oboe & Violin Concerto In C Minor
Word Of The Day: Anthropophagy / Cannibalism

Ah, love. Love is really a motherfucker, isn't it? I had a lot of time to think about love yesterday, as I spent hours walking and walking and walking off yet another spat between my wife and I. That's what's funny about it, we are totally in love. I really, really love my wife. But the "love" part, the falling in love, the physical, emotional, spiritual attraction and connection- that is all FREE. You get love for FREE, you're just the next lucky human being to be swept up in a nexus of time, space, psychology, emotions, bodies, the wild confluence of innumerable mysterious coordinates that dunks you right into IT. Anyone -ANYONE CAN FALL IN LOVE. It's as easy as having a baby. We've all seen how fucking shocking it is to see meth heads, heroin addicts, borderlines, arrested adolescents, and a million more variety of people who shouldn't be allowed to drive, vote, or own steak knives much less have a CHILD- but they do, and that's the rules here on Earth. Anyone can have kids, and LOVE is free.

Love is FREE and easy, and marriage costs and is HARD.

I am living proof any dolt who walks up right can fall in love, the real question is how capable am I to live that love in the day to day cluster fuck that is WE, and the answer to that question the last few days is NOT VERY CAPABLE. At all. Holy fucking FUCK!! Marriage and being a parent is hammering on every God damn button and pushing every blessed slider in my being to "10" until I feel like I am going to fucking bleed from every hole in my useless head. I want my fucking fucking FUCKING head to fall off so I can drop kick it to the moon.

Relationship is such a BITCH. Did I mention I love my wife? I do. Did I mention I love my daughter? and I am LOSING MY MIND!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can I even begin to explain how out of nowhere, some random mornings I wake up and the day is standing above me on my bed, straddling its collosal legs over each side of my torpid body, and as I slowly rub my eyes and come out of a dream, the lumbering beast comes into focus, I see it is gritting its teeth, sneering, eyes squinted, and what's that? It has its fetid, syphillitic dick in its hand, and it's aiming it right at my face, then it lets loose with a hot stream of acrid piss that finds its way through the door of my yawning mouth and splashes square on the back of my throat, timed in perfect synchronicity with its baritone voice laughing and barking:

"you are mine, you piece of shit".

I protest, "but I'm a MEDITATOR"

"fuck you."

"i'm going to meditate you away right now"

"and i'm going to piss in that sewer line you call a mouth until you become a husband and a father."

"but i already love my wife"

"fuck you."

"i totally love my daughter."

"i can see this is going to take a lot of piss. drop the shell game."

"i want to devote my life to love"

"you're a lying piece of shit asshole with an ego ten times the size of my cock, and your bullshit persona of being some buddha is crumbling bitch, you are a house of cards and i'm doing the world a favor, cuz now we're gonna see what's really down there."

"but i love my job"

"so DO I. and my job is calling you out, you poseur piece of shit. you think you're awake? your realization is an epiphenomenon on the periphery of a wispy state. you have NO CLUE. you wanna talk Kosmic bullshit? you wanna be mr. integral fucking transformative daddy? you won't make it through two minutes in the Mirror. LOOK.

"i'm going to my quiet place."

"Yeah, why don't you do that, hide out in the VOID for the millionth fucking time, tell me, exactly how many lifetimes do you plan on fucking PHONING IT IN from your tree fort in the clouds? even the absolute is getting sick of your adolescent shit, angels roll their eyes to hear you go on on and on talking about how you want to serve love on Earth, but you can't have a family meeting without your soul blacking out, you wanna die for the Mystery, but you bust a rutter every time a baby cries."

"but my teacher..."

"FUCK YOUR TEACHER. fuck your books, your meditation, your philosophy, your art, your charisma. you're not on stage, ok chameleon? i simply do not give a fuck who you want me to THINK you are. i just want you to say ONE REAL THING. ONE REAL THING, for once, just stop spewing shit long enough to say ONE REAL THING. stop LYING.

"i...."

"what? YOU WHAT?"

"i don't know what to say."

"i can wait."

"i...i don't know what i'm doing."

"and?"

"i suck at this"

"at what?"

"at being a husband. and a father. and a human."

"what else?"

"i'm afraid."

the demon changes. it's not ugly. it just vaporizes, it's a soft white ghost now, lying beside me.

"keep going."

"i can't."

"why?"

"i just want to cry. i feel like a fraud. i feel like i suck at all of this, that i don't even know how to love people."

"so cry. why keep it together? you think it's working?"

"no."

"maybe Love wants you to cry."

"i thought you were a demon."

"i was. now i'm an angel."

"i don't get it."

"good. now sing to me, and keep it messy. i don't care if its beautiful, or in tune, i just want the real song. no words. give me the notes you stuffed into your gut because you think they're ugly and wrong and dangerous. i want the pitches you buried because they hurt."

the ghost drifts into my body and fades to a whisper.

"i'm listening. now sing the song of falling apart."

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