Blog entry

Sick, you are my bitch

Song of the day: Guys Like Me / Aimee Mann
Word of the day: Resistentialism / A mock philosophy maintaining that inanimate objects are hostile to humans or seek to thwart human endeavours [Joc. blend of L res thing(s) + Fr. resister RESIST v. with 'existentialism']

Got sick yesterday. Having a child really expands the variety and frequency of contact with pathogenic microbiotic life-forms. You don't realize how narrow your immune response has become until you have a toddler. I'm so good at being sick now, I savor somatic malaise. I meet the onset of illness standing firm on both feet, arms flexed, leaning forward with eyes wide, jaw clenched, repeating "bring it on mother fucker, shove it in me!!" And then as soon as the Sick hits, I flatten out like a pancake and start moaning... "Ohhh... mmm.... arrrrrrrmmmmmohhhhhhhh!!!!!" As with rolling the eyes or shaking, it's important to save your best moaning for when your wife or daughter are close enough to really appreciate the performance. Don't waste your death rattle if there's no one around. If you need something, you wait until they are in the room, then feign an attempt at standing, one foot on the floor, start rolling over "I'm gonna do it, no honey, it's OK, I'll get the remote...OHHHH MMMMARRRRGGHH" then, midway stop and softly weep... "It just... I caaaaaaaannnnn't. The aches, the shooting pains." Then your wife is all "Honey, lay down! Don't you dare move, I will get you anything you need" She leaves the room, you look over at sickness and sneer with that satisfying 'how you like that, you dumb fucker? Who's laughing now? Thanks for making me a KING you dumb shit. Plus i'm losing weight, there's two days i won't have to excericise. MWAH MWAH MWAH!!! You foolish, naive SICKNESS! I've gotten what I always wanted from you, a FREEBIE, a respite from responsibility, accountability, I have bathed in the loving sympathy of the healthy, and now that I've used you up like the miniature biotic slaves you are, I will dispatch my unequaled white blood cells to kick the living shit out of you, beat you to an inch of your pathetic, anonymous life and cast you to the Void without ceremony. You will be pissed, shit, sweated, cried, blown, and spit out of my perfect, resilient body until the next time I need an excuse to lay around on the couch watching Elimidate for hours on end. Because, are my bitch.

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