Blog entry

The New White Trash

song of the day: The Cowboy Mambo / David Byrne
word of the day: Exophagy / Cannibalism outside one's own group

On the whole, I'm quite particular about particulars. I do not like trash left in the yard, or even the garbage for that matter, don't like plates in the sink, can't stand clothes on the floor, nor wrappers in the car, nor the popular myriad of icons on my computer's desk top. I like things orderly and STERILE. But life has a funny way of conscripting you into groups you claim to despise. Like White Trash, for instance. I have always laughed or sneered, or shook my head in pity at the foul, pathetic dirt balls that have cars up on blocks in their yard, or refrigerators left out on their front lawn, or toys scattered about on the porch and driveway. It makes me wretch. It makes me wretch, and...

I've had a full sized bath tub and toilet sitting in my back yard for months now. What can I tell you? I like to shit and bathe in plain view of my more conservative neighbors. Well, that and the fact that when I remodelled my bathroom with my good friend Vid, we ripped out the bath tub and toilet, and I just haven't known what the hell to do with them. I mean, I know when you're done taking dumps in them, you take them to the dump. But I do not own a vehicle that can transport a huge metal tub and a big white toilet to the disposal facility. I have them arranged as pleasantly as I can, set at perfect angles, in accordance with the Golden Mean, and I placed them atop the highest elevation in the yard, but they STILL feel trashy and gross. And now, months have passed and my neighbors have taken notice.

Last week I walked out back and found a "No Swimming" sign attached to the toilet, someone's prank. "Very funny" i said as I removed my pants and underwear and climbed inside the dirt and dust filled tub to conduct my weekly public mud bath. Afflicted with my usual 9 inch morning priapism, I slowly surveyed the neighborhood, silently composing a list of suspects. Who would do something so ridiculous? Listen, if you don't like my huge white toilet or my dingy yellow bath tub, that's fine, no one is forcing you to shit or bathe in public. But you don't have to post mocking notes on the wares of my outdoor restroom. It's embarassing enough defecating in public without the added ignominy of your taunts and jeers. Thankfully few of my neighbors can read, so most of the teaasing is limited to: "HEY! LOOKIE LOOK THERE, DAVIS HAS GOT HIM A SIGN THAT SOME FUNNY MISTER PUT UP THAT THERE ON THAT TOITY HE LOVES SO MUCH HAH HAH IT'S A SIGN AND IT SAYS... IT... PROBABLY SAYS SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT HIM CUZ HE'S WEIRD AND I'LL BET IT SAYS HE'S A WEIRD TOILET FREAK. MA? MA, C'MEER, WHAT'S THAT SAY, ON THAT TOITY?

Of course I countered with a retort. I yanked down their "No Swimming" and put up my own, bigger, bolder, "SWIM AWAY, SHIT FISH!!" and then drew caricatures of local figures giving Poo Diving a go. my work here is done...

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