song of the day: saved by zero / the fixx
word of the day: IS

oh, it's funny. now in the last 24 hours things have returned to transparency and radiance. just goes to prove what my wife and i always say to each other: Never Trust A State. they all come and go. good ones, bad ones, the hell i was in a few days back was just as transient as this spacious, luminous feeling i have today. states are our impermanent friends. but you can't trust them for shit. and today i am considering the unnecessary way i add to the fire of states by making more out of them than is really there. it's like this: there is experience, and then there is what i do or don't do with the experience. if the experience is pain, i could just feel the pain, or the frustration, or the anger, or joy, or bliss, or boredom, or whatever the state experience is, i have the option to just be present with it in a bare, immediate way and completely inhabit it. OR, i can create dramas and story lines and interpretations and extrapolations with it. there's no point in trying to avoid human experience, that's what we're here for. experience is not bad. but when i build these bullshit myths and chimeras out of what is really nothing more than a wispy state, i'm just incapacitating my self and others. experiences do not require interpretations every time, or stories to support them. what if i had amnesia, and totally, completely forgot who "i" am, and i was not afraid of this forgetting, and i was left with nothing but my bare experiences. they would just be what they are: pain, love, joy, sadness, contentment, restlessness, whatever else. but i am conditioned by a million assumptions. i automatically put everything through this filter called "Stuart". what the fuck IS THAT? if i really, really look deeply into it, "Stuart" is nothing but a series of experiences which have been interpreted, it is a set of assumptions, a very carefully woven, fabricated picture. persona. but there is something behind that which is also just aware of it all, that watched it all get built up and put together, and has watched it morph and develop, and will watch it all unravel. weird. got fooled again ;-)