song of the day: wise up / aimee mann
word of the day: metonymy / the substitution of a word denoting an attribute or adjunct of a thing for the denoting the thing itself (like in "do you want a KLEENEX?" or let's get a COKE {as a reference to all soda generically...}
monk of the day: tanja, desiree, rinus (holland)

did construction all day today, tore off the entire roof to the back of our house, one layer of shingles, then two, then three, then yes, believe it or not, FOUR layers of old shingles, and they ALL leaked. the wood below was completely rotted and mush. major reconstruction surgery. i am so NOT good with a hammer. the last layer of shingles were wooden, and quite literally probably 100 years old. they were utterly disintegrated, powder dust putrid GUGHHHH!!!! i swallowed so much dust i started gagging. guess what the gagging led to? puking, that's what. yes, i vomited today, and black soot dust from a century ago is what came up. it's in my lungs, my throat, my eyes, nose, ears, butthole (how do i know it's my butt hole? you know. you just...know.)

what i thought about all day was the millions or billions of people who work their asses off physically every day like this, doing incredibly difficult work that wreaks havoc on the body. i had a hired professional with me today, so i didn't do anything really wrong, and we talked about it quite a bit. he said this is the worst kind of gig he gets, redoing the old roofs on these houses (mine was built in 1885). i thought of my brother scott a lot today, how hard he's worked his whole life doing things with his body. i mean i just ache like holy hell today from the stuff with the house. imagine what it's like after 30 years or so. i don't think we pay our construction dudes enough. but especially, very certainly, we do not pay our teachers enough.

i'm going to a genpo roshi retreat pretty soon with my friend Tripp (co-producer of Bell, lead singer of hank madison). it's good cuz my head does a funny thing. since i sat zazen 20+ hours last week, this week my ego is totally like "fuck this man, i don't have to sit. i sat my ass off LAST week. why i gotta sit? FUCK CHU MANG, I CUT YOU!!! I CUT YOU MANG!!!!!!

i've still been sitting, but i definitely notice my head going "this is such shit. how long do i gotta do this stupid fucking practice? it's been ten years. nothing HAPPENS."

doesn't matter, i will sit every day for the rest of my life, whether that "i" comes along or not. doors to the zendo are closing, the bell is ringing, bitch. my koan for the day:

zazen
does not
work