song of the day: i can hear the laughs / freedy johnston
word of the day: Vorige / dutch for "back button" on your computer

well, i think my not sleeping pattern on this tour have caught up with me. last night in...what was it? Breda. last night in Breda i was so, so, SOOOOH tired on stage, i was really a whisp of a human. however, i did have this wild experience while playing. the venue (really cool theater) reminded me of the theater in mullholland drive where that chick sings "crying" accapella in spanish, then she fucking passes out and the voice keeps singing. it's a mystical metaphor, a peek behind the veil as such. anyway, while i was singing, i had this eerie (loving) spooky (warm) recognition that i was that woman, or rather i was the witness that was going to "drop the body" (just like she did in that film) and i was literally (not metaphorically) observing my body, just listening to myself singing the song. then i had the recognition that i'm already dead. i have this thing happen fairly often, although it kind of comes in waves, but it's a simple, bare recognition that i'm already dead. it first happened to me on an andrew cohen retreat while sitting, my body / mind dissolved, yadda yadda, i've written about it in other places (boomeritis, i think, for one). anyway, i got dead, real good dead at that time. since then, i'm aware that i'm already dead. the part of us that is just awareness, that part that was here before we were born, is here while we are alive, and will remain after death- that part has no time. it is not caught in the time game, but somehow it interfaces with it, it puts its toe in that river when we manifest as bodies with minds and personalities (princess, are you there?) and such. but it is always already there, no more and no less whether we are alive, dead, or both, or neither. i'm not talking about the soul either. it's back behind / before the soul, even. it's just the empty space that the soul, the kosmos, and holland arises in. it's not blackness, or whiteness, or stillness, or motion, but they all unfold from it. so anyway, while i was doing my super duper fatigued version of a show last night, i dropped back into that...whatever you wanna call it. i call it ~?~. the soul, when this happens, does react to it though. it's a bitter sweet thing for my soul when this recognition occurs. cuz i love my wife so much, i love my daughter, mom, dad, brothers, all my family and friends from around the world- love them all so much, it creates an ache in my center, because i don't want to leave them. but all of us are just these little whisps that pass in and out of existence in a flash, whether it's a star system or a dolphin, a blink and it's over. and the only "thing" that is real, is that no-thing that was never born, never dies, never changes, has no qualities, but unfolds endless change, manifests as all qualities- the immutable LOVE that abides in each and every event in the Universe, in all hearts and minds and souls. and that is my wife, that is my daughter, that is you. from this unknowing, it's so simple and clear that what's Real can not be created or destroyed. love is real.