Blog entry

Keys, Please

Song Of The Day: Grass / XTC
Word Of The Day: Albugineous Like the white of an eye or an egg; white-coloured

Hey ya'll, this guy -let's call him "Ballard"- he's a good dude. He really is our buddy and our pal, and that guy- let's call him "Ballard"- he's welcome at our house any time, and we're all good there. It really was just a blip on the radar, more blog-fodder for the fun gun. We're planning another party for this summer. We're thinking we'll make the next one a key party. What ever happened to key parties? You put your keys in a bowl, party your ass off for a while, and then pull random keys out of the bowl at the end of the night, then take that stranger's spouse home with you and fuck them. Oh... Maybe we'll just make it a costume party.

Not that anyone would be able to find their keys at the end of the night anyway, in this house. Oh GOD do we lose our keys around here! I am not shitting you, virtually EVERY day my wife and I can be found desperately ferreting through the nooks and crannies (what the fuck is a cranny? what's the etymology on that word?) of our house, late for an appointment, late for a meeting, our daughter in tow, mimicking each new expletive

Marci: Honey, where are my keys?

Stuart: I don't know, where did you last leave them?

Marci: SHIT! I'm late for a meeting

Ara: Shiihhhh

Stuart: Ara! No! That's a big person word, that's...

Marci: I'm gonna be late and get fired

Stuart: Why the fuck don't we always put our keys in the dish, like we said we would to ensure...

Ara: Fuhhhhhh

Marci: God Dammit I'm late, will you just help me look!

Ara: Gaaaahh Daaahhmmmm

Stuart: Ara!

Marci: Stuart!

Stuart: Marci!

Ara: Gaaaahd Daahhhhmm

It turns out it isn't just us. My nephew Justin and his buddy Louis have been staying with us for a few days, and the first thing that happened to them when they got here is they lost their keys. ALL THE WAY lost their keys, like so fucking LOST their keys that they had to have a lock smith come and make a new set for them, cuz they have to drive back to Minnesota. It didn't surprise us at all, we've literally been looking for my wife's main set of keys for over a week, they are GONE, and before that I had lost my main set for five days, judging and blaming my wife for their disappearane the entire time, while they sat in the pocket of one of my jackets in the back seat of my car. Nice. After I'd bitched, whined, and complained for almost a week, I simply put my stupid hand in my stupid jacket and... VOILA!! Oh, brilliant.

But it doesn't matter what you do, if you live in this house, or stay a here a day or two, your keys are going to disappear. And that's cool. I understand it's a metaphor. I get the riddle-factor of it all. But sometimes I just wanna start my car.

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