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Color-Blind Eating Great Dane

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Tom Petty

I'm getting a Great Dane on November 1st. His name is Mazzy Hello Kitty Davis. I am SO EXCITED!! I already have dog beds, have been reading up on literature, and putting the house in order for its newest family member.

We got a boy dog. cuz let's face it, this house needs some masculilne energy, and it ain't coming from me. If a human has three bodies (gross, subtle, causal), I'm pretty sure I'm 2/3rds girl. It's a fluke I ended up with a dick at all. It's amazing I'm not gay (I had to put a lot of penises in my mouth to understand that, but we all have different learning 'styles' ;-).

I have always preferred the feminine. I was a momma's boy. My best friends have always been girls, or girls with phalluses. I married a woman. We made two girls

(and believe me, I exerted no small measure of effort to ensure they were girls. Petitionary prayer, voodoo, exotic sexual positions. Neighbors laughed and wretched, but who's laughing and wretching now? It worked).

Am I girly? I paint my toe nails pink. I wear womens clothes. Although it's not technically "lip" stick, I routinely use sparkle-gloss from Burt's Bees. I am reactive, capricious, and tempermental. I saunter more than swagger. I'm flexible, I listen to my body, I love horses. I lactate.

So we're a family of girls. We needed a boy. We got a male Great Dane from a breeder, and although he's still too young, he comes here soon. And he is BIG. Even by Great-Dane standards. The breeder keeps sending us pictures and saying "he is so BIG". We're like "you raise great danes all the time, right?" They're like, "yeah. This is a very big great dane."

Why a great dane? They're graceful and giant. Elegant and stately. They're great with kids but they can eat an entire human head in one bite should the defensive need arise. I want a BIG dog that fucking rocks. GREAT Dane. Great DANE. See? I'M DANISH. One Dane deserves another. The Vikings used them to conquer Iceland, or something. No, my kids will not ride this dog.

This dog is a harlequin, black and white camoflauge blend. That's because I want him to be invisible to color-blind people. Mostly I need this dog to ambush the color blind. Who the fuck do they think they are, failing to register the distinct spectral reflection of photons? I'm so sick of the way they LORD their color-blindness over this whole culture, and as far as me and my great dane are concerned, nothing tastes better than the soft musculature of the unsuspecting color-blind. You know how you cure color-blind eye balls? You pass them through the intestinal tract of a Great Dane. Color Blindies: You're on notice. Get out of our color-rich, hue-satured state of Colorado. My Dane is going to crunch your head like a fresh melon at Harvest festival.

Mmm....

A quick update on Dharmapalooza, our annual event of rock 'n roll and spiritual workshops, held right here in Boulder. It is on full force, and no matter where you live or what your back ground is (Atheist? Great. Agnostic? Awesome. Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Jew...) the whole point of Dharmapalooza is to meet friends you didn't know you had from all over the world. If we have an agenda, it's Love, fun, rock 'n roll. There will be rock concerts, meditation techniques (last year's featured two full days with Zen Master Genpo Roshi, and gave attendees an incredible blast of Big Mind) and romantic matchmaking. Bring your honey or find one. Whatehvs, ya'll. The event goes down in August 2008. I'll let you know the second the specific dates and prices are in place.

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