I need a mother and a nurse
I need a girlfriend with a shotgun in her purse
I need a rug that doesn't stain
I need a muffler for my brain

I need Geraldo for some hope
and Oprah Winfrey's show
can teach me how to cope
I need a country that's not sick
I need emotions hard as a brick

I need a peephole in my door
I need a leader that won't sleep
with common whores
I need to put my faith in God
I need a brand new fishing rod

I need a castle and a sword
or just a room inside the clinic's mental ward
I need some focus or a dream
I need to justify my inflated self esteem

I need a sink that doesn't drip
or a bag of chips that won't
explode if they are ripped
I need a personality enhancer
I need a cure for cancer

I need to stop the way I drink (over at People's)
I need to know that wolves
won't soon become extinct
I need a savior that forgives
I need to change the way I live

I need a freezer full of juice
I need to find a way so I don't reproduce
I need a pony and a boat
I need to think before I vote

I need the press to feed me lies
I need a pet that never dies
I need to catch a piece of ass
I need to learn to stain some glass