Song of the Day

Love Is Like A Butterfly by Dolly Parton

Word of the Day

Acarophobia - Fear of itching or of insects causing itching

Have you ever noticed every time you're getting wasted with an Entomologist they just LOVE to blather on endlessly about how insects rule the world?

You're like: let's do shots.

They're like: 80 percent of all the species in the World are insects.

You're like: that chick is hot.

They're like: There are 30 MILLION different species of insects on our planet.

You go: let's do shots with that hot chick.

They go: At any time, it is estimated that there are some 10 quintillion (10,000,000,000,000,000,000) individual insects alive.

You go SHUT UP.

Let me tell you something. There's only one thing I hate more than bugs, and that's someone who loves bugs talking about bugs. Then I feel it. The exterminator in me, taking the wheel. You wanna hurt an entomologist? Hurt them where they live. In their bugs.

Entomologists and bugs think they're so awesome. Cuz there's so many of them, and they're all over the place. And they just love to transmit disease, don't they? Have you ever noticed when a person gets sick, doctors even call it a 'bug.' Oh, you must have caught a bug. I notice that.

How long have bugs been giving us malaria, lyme disease, dengue fever? With impunity. No more. Maybe bugs need a taste of their own tricks. We get revenge, they learn empathy.

Revempathy.

There may be a google gajillion bugs in the World, but I only need one or two for what I got planned. After what happens to them, they're gonna tell their story. They're gonna warn their friends; don't fuck with people. People fight back.

See, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna get AIDS. Then I'm going to go into nature, the nature the bugs are always talking about, the nature bugs fucking worship like it's so great. Northern Minnesota, up by the Gunflint Trail. And then I'm gonna strip naked, and I'm going to present my delectable tissue for consumption. Eat up, my unsuspecting subject. I will permit a bug to bite me, exsanguinate me, even. Probly I'll film it. Put it up on the internet, on like, Entomology.org or some shit.

After that Minnesota Deer Tick has eaten the hell out of me, I'm gonna give it the news flash of a life time.

Hey there, little fella. Is your tummy nice and full? Did you have a good time draining the blood out of my body? You think you're funny cuz you just gave me Lyme disease? Well guess what? You have AIDS now. Yeah, and last time I checked there was no effective treatment available for a creature of your scale afflicted with Acquired Immune Deficiency. While treatment has advanced remarkably for humans with AIDs, those remedies cannot be transposed to another species, much less another phylum. And even if they were developing one now -which they're not- you'll be dead before the FDA makes it available. Maybe you should have thought of that before you went siphoning the vital fluids of a stranger passing by.

Then I'm gonna go over to Africa. Oh yeah. Out in the Bush. No, I won't be needing any mosquito netting on this Safari. Hi there, Mr African mosquito. Is that right, you're hot shit because you just gave me malaria? Well, I'll see your Malaria, and I'll raise you an AIDs. Yeah. You got AIDS now. And Lyme Disease. How's that for a stinger? Feel it puncture the membrane of your precious monopoly on the transmission of viral maladies? I just flipped the fucking table on your immune system like Billy Joel in We Didn't Start The Fire video circa 1990.

When I get back from Minnesota and Africa, I'm going to send the link of the video to my entomologist friend. Ha ha. And then I'm going back to the bar, by myself, and I'm going to do shots with that hot chick. And we are going to get wasted, and then we are going back to my place, and then we are going to have very safe sex. Lot of protection. Because I have malaria. And Lyme Disease. And AIDs. So... we might just watch each other masturbate.