Song Of The Day: Zoot Suit Riot / Cherry Poppin' Daddies
Word Of The Day: Ecdemomania / Compulsive wandering
Sounds True. Must be. I just got a book deal, ya'll. Yes, Sounds True has conscripted my digits to write a book this year. Effective immediately, actually. Had a meeting with Tami Simon a few days ago (one of my all-time favorite human beings, no lie) and we are squared to move ahead. This blog actually figured notably in the conception. They're going to let me swear and everything. So, starting Monday I'm waking up every morning at 5am to knock this baby out. My method?
Simple.
Each night before bed, I leave two cards on my night stand, one reads "Punch" one says "Needle". I carefully place them face down before drifting to slumber. My wife wakes at 4:59AM, hops out of bed and begins to spin violently with eyes closed while chanting "BEST SELLER! BEST SELLER!" until she collapses in addled trance. Rising, she selects one of the cards and reads it aloud, careful to pronounce it backwards. If she picks "Punch" ( chnup!), she makes a tight fist and searches herself for a memory ugly enough to elicit the appropriate rage -and finding it- lands a white hot blow to my relaxed mandible. Shocked awake, swooning in agony, I regard her with bewildered contempt. My instincts beg revenge -until she slides a lap top into my quivering arms, gazes into my fuming, swollen face and whispers
"Use it."
Alternately, if she picks "Needle" (eldeen!) she opens the drawer, withdraws the prepared hypodermic and plunges it into my right temple. That's right, the creative side. Once the kosher concoction of Rhino jizz, holy water, and Soylent Green makes its way into my cingulate cortex, I startle upright and scream "ONOMATOPOEIA" three times. My wife cues the Theme From Arthur and I skip like a forest sprite all the way to a stack of yellow legal pads waiting in the bathroom, eager to spend the next seven hours doubled over my porcelain oracle, purging last night's Tequila, and writing...in tongues.
I won't remember any of it, but future generations sure will. You're welcome.
